A Parental Paradox

So you had a kid. Good for you. It changes everything.
I don't mean to demean anyone and their breeding skills, I just think that there is more to life than your progeny and frankly, you should too. But then there is me. I have so much more going on my head than my child. He is my first thought every morning but from there it's usually on to many, many things. All revolving around him in one way or another. And sometimes that's just plain annoying. To myself, and I am certain, to others around me. Logically I do understand that the sun does not, in fact, rise specifically to gleam upon his shiny blond head. But to look at my blog, my myspace page or any number of camera phone pictures you would think I had nothing else to do. And I suppose that is the paradox. In my head I am this thinking, fiery, decisive and independent person. But the reality of my internet activity shows a mom. Dare I say, just a mom? Now don't get all angry telling me that it's the hardest job and all that. I know all the rhetoric but really, it's not that hard. With all the rewards I get and perks in which I partake I think it's pretty easy. And I love it, which makes it all that much easier.
But with being a parent, or at least a mom, there is all this guilt and shame attached to being a person separate from your child. Somehow along with an embryo, I grew this insecurity that makes me feel as if I shouldn't have an identity. I place my child out in front of me like a shield or a badge of honor and I feel like he is the only part of me that matters anymore. As if it would be so selfish to assume that I should have thoughts and even go so far as to voice them. Thoughts that do not, at least on the surface, appear to be wrapped around my son. And then there is the other side of this rusty patina of parenthood. The small fact that I really do care about him that much. I love posting pictures of him and showing off this truly amazing being that has enriched every bit of minutiae in my life.
So here goes. This is Katy's Secret Online Life. And while it may seem like a shrine at which I worship my child it is actually about me and how I deal with my life. My life as a mom, yes, but also as a climber, as a political constituent, as a woman, friend, writer and thinking, fiery, independent and fairly indecisive person.