A Year in the Making

One year. An entire revolution on our planet Earth around the sun, which funny enough, doesn't have a proper name. My son, however, does have a name. A very big one: Killian Finneaus Burnside. I just added "Finneaus" to my Firefox dictionary! And this tiny little man with this great big name is a year old. George Carlin (the late & great) had a bit about our obsession with time and numbers. He remarked how we as a people love round numbers; well my little person isn't celebrating a round number in his life but he is celebrating a biggun, ONE!
I am actually an emotional rollercoaster about this amazing anniversary. In the last year I have officially went from the title "woman" to "Mom". I have fancied myself a huge freakin' whale to a bit of a MILF. I have lost over 40 pounds while my son has gained less than 15. I have went from a chick in her mid-2o's to what may as well be called a 30 year old. And through this last huge, nay giant, year I have had a love in my heart that I never knew was possible. I have had a child. It is indescribably wonderful and still incredibly difficult. I do still, and I suspect I will continue, to take everything personally when it comes to my boy Killian. If a kindly friend mentions he's a bit active I fret and moan about it for weeks. If he hasn't gained enough weight in between doctor's appointments I lament about being blind to his needs. I jest that the word precocious was invented for him. And through it all, I don't actually care what anyone thinks because I know. He is perfect. Allergies, colic, tempertantrums...through it all, I wouldn't change him for a moment. And that is true love. That is unconditional love. Every day I wake up and listen for that groggy voice and every day I am pleased to hear it.
It took a month for me to admit that I no longer have a baby but I am happy to be a mother to a toddler. He walks, talks and throws the cutest damn fits you could ever hope to see and he is mine. Life is good.

Frustration

I'm going to have a tag made and put it on my dog. It will read "It seems I have run away again. My owners are not looking for me so I now belong to you. My name is Jooniper and I also answer to JoonieB. Nice to meet you, New Parent."

Currently Believeing in Miracles

Dr. Parry, Killian's allergist, called yesterday morning and gave me some of the best news I have ever heard. Killian's antibodies to milk and egg are so low that on the scale they use he doesn't even qualify as "clinically allergic"! His dog and cat "scratch test" was negative so it wasn't the puppies causing his hives when my dad held him, which is mostly good, but now we have to start over figuring out that whole thing. But I don't even care because I am still so happy, so relieved, that my baby will probably have a normal diet. His numbers were so low that he can eat baked goods with milk and eggs which means.....HE CAN HAVE CAKE! My tiny little perfect person can have a tiny little perfect cake on his oh so special day. I don't understand how his hives are so bad when his antibodies are so low but I can just assume it has something to do with his very sensitive skin. He is extremely likely to outgrow his allergies! I am so thankful.
What an experience this has been. I can't even begin to tell you how many cupcakes I baked over the last few weeks. I had so much great support from my friends and family too, which is all that made it bearable. I, along with some very close friends, did a lot of research. I researched the lifestyle, cures, causes and treatments and we all researched SO many vegan recipes. My sister Kim and my neighbor Janeille (check out her blog www.pocatellostarvingrealtor.blogspot.com) both jumped right in to start baking and trying new things with me. They were both a constant stream of support and encouragement when I started to get down. Thank you both, I love you. My mom did what she does best in a time of crisis, she shopped! She is visiting us from Texas right now and she brought some great fruit strips and other vegan treats from fun health food stores that we don't have here. Killian has a lot of snacking options now, not that it improves his notoriously poor appetite. My step mom and dad were always there for us too. LuAnne was always ready to go to a doctor's appointment, no matter her sleeping schedule. You people rule! OK, there's my shout out to my support staff.
On a different note, I have two really good friends and they both have sons with extremely severe peanut allergies. If you were one of the people that added Killian to your prayers, good thoughts and well wishes, please add these two little guys, Kale and Felix. Thank you.
Since he was born I have been grateful for my son. Every single day, even the colicky ones, I was struck with the notion that I am so lucky to have a living, breathing healthy child. Whenever the screaming would get to be so bad that I would consider leaving him in the house alone for a few minutes or drinking a glass (bottle?!) of wine during the day, I would try to take a deep breath and remind myself that there are mothers nearby that would give anything to hear their baby again, even if he was screaming for hour three. When we heard the news that he was unlikely to outgrow these awful allergies that notion of his perfect life stretching out in front of us was crinkled up, but not shattered. I always knew that I had to be grateful we weren't having to fight a life-threatening illness, but it was still difficult to accept that he did have a fight for normality at such a young age.
To come back from that grief and have my beautifully healthy child restored to me with a phone call is overwhelming. I am overwhelmingly relieved. I am joyously grateful and emotionally unbound.
We still have a fight ahead, but it is manageable. He can't have raw milk or plain eggs and we'll abstain from cheeses, cream sauces and other dairy products but we are armed with so much information that it seems so minor a thing to give up! I have so many other options for snacks that not giving him cheese and crackers is just a splash in the ocean to me.
We will have Killian's blood tested again at two. Dr. Parry seems to think his antibodies will have gone down by then, although they may not be down to zero, maybe even ever. But again, this all seems so manageable now. I will have to deal with things as they come, but now, with my friends and family by my side and the love for my son to guide me forward, I know I can overcome anything and end up a better person for it.
Mushy gooey emotional stuff is now over!